Hey, I found that writing makes me feels better, so just let me write randomly.
Sometimes I hate myself, but in the same time, I love myself.
Sometimes I feels like dissapear, but in the same time, I want to stay here.
Sometimes I want to spoil the bitter-reality, but in the same time, I want to do more sweet lies.
Which is better? Bitter-reality or sweet lies?
I know what you guys in-justice-side want to say, it's better to say honestly even if its very bitter, right?
But how if it can kill someone precious for you? how if it can kill your self? Even in not physically killed, but in psychology way, is there any different?
It's nice if you can protect people that precious for you from pain or agony, right?
But just keep the bitter reality by yourself was really cruel. I think that was cruel, but if it's me, I think it's okay. Am i such a bad kid? Yeah, I am such a bad girl. I selfishly thinking that I can bare it by myself, but anyhow I found that it such a difficult task so i am dying about this. What about these task? Who burden this task to me anyway? Yeah, it's my self and my selfish alone doing this. Aaah, what a pain.
And when I aware about something, I am getting hate my self. When I think that I'm blabbering around about protect this and that, I end in the idea that I doing this just to keep myself on the save side. I just don't wanna feel agony from make something or someone precious to me in pain. I can't bare the feeling that if something bad happen, it would be my fault. What a rotten me. This way I feel that I'm not deserve to get any happiness. I'm just a rotting brat who have no brave, who hid in her shell just to keep her from possibility to get pain. And it's true that I didn't want to see people I love in pain. If so, I really wanna disappear. But in this kind of way of thinking, I aware that there are people that love me, and I love them too. This way I get courage to keep my feet standing on earth. That's why I wanna stay here, look at them smile gently to me. They are my precious treasure. But in the end, I think that this just my selfishness. Even if I wanna stay here, I still feel this agony from being keep silent. So that I wanna disappear. What a rotten, small courage brat is me.
Wuaah, such a bad pessimistic states, eh?
You wrong in many direction, little moron!
First, you're not a brat anymore (even you short, righto). Don't you say that 20th is the time when someone can drink sake legally in Japan? It's an age when you have to determine many things. The truth is telling as much as the people said that truth. So what you have to do is decide it by your heart. Not by yourself, of course. You have Allah right? The Only One who'll never abandoned you how big your problem are if you stay close to Him? Don't act so high and almighty to think that you can do this alone. You need help right? You definitely need help, in many things. Maybe you don't get what you want, but I'm sure you'll get what you need. Be more patient. It's alright. Don't give up. As long as you think you take the right way, and right guiding by your side, you don't have to worry. You'll be Alright. Don't be hasty. Be wise.
Second, who told you you are not deserve to want a happiness? It's normal to a girl to wanted happiness. It's not a sin. It's good you know that even if your life have bad-side, it has beautiful-side, too. You born as a living thing, so you deserve to be loved. Hey, even a non-living thing is has someone who love it right? Example, your favorite place. Your favorite morning sky. You love them right? Because people is not stand in the earth alone. Even if you feel you're all alone, there's still have Allah. So don't show that kind of face, you deserve to be happy.
Third, hey, are you so that pitiful so you want to disappear? What a weak-minded you are! After I said everything above, don't you find that you have to be more strong to face this life?
See, you're not only one who have this kind of problem. I think there are many girls outside which have same feeling, on the same shoes like you are. Some of them choose to keep fighting and believe that they will find their happiness one day, some of them choose "the different way" to solve it. Whom you want to go with?
Here, try to getting back up, pull yourself together!
Don't let any heavy rain or terrible storm get your way!
Remember your resolve!
Take out your gut!
Keep holding hands that support you!
If you still trembling, then let your optimist side to kick your ass so you can go forward.
NOW, GO AHEAD AND TRY TO FIND OUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO NEXT!
AND REMEMBER, THE BEST ANSWER COME FROM THE BEST OF THE BEST OF THE UNIVERSE!